


Too Bright It Hurts My Eyes

by Karmangier



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon - Anime, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 08:03:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18567259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karmangier/pseuds/Karmangier
Summary: My first fanfiction ever!!! This is my speculation about things happened after the ANIME ending, so SPOILERS WARNING! Also in my speculation it should be an ending different from the manga one :)





	Too Bright It Hurts My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to my awesome betas: @Charlie and @fatwithoutkatsudon

***  
“It must be a good dream.”

It was an unfamiliar woman’s voice. And it was odd, not only because the voice was from a stranger, but also because it was speaking in Ash’s head.

Ash tried to open his eyes but he failed, nor could he move or even sense the rest of his body. His ears were filled with silence. It felt like blood had filled his whole head and was pressuring out his eardrum, making any outside sound impossible to enter his sensation system. He tried to get his brain functioning.

Ash Lynx had never had any good dreams, not that he could remember. There were countless nights that he jolted from lucid, dreadful nightmares, with tears and sweat everywhere. As if waking up and going back to real life could stop those scenes from haunting him. Nevertheless, the dream he just had was possibly the worst that he had ever experienced.

Or rather, it was more like, reality?

***  
Ash was standing in a rye field. The rye was golden in color. It was hard to tell where its border was. Eventually the golden blanket of rye touched the same gold-colored sky somewhere very far away, Ash thought. No wind, just silence. How odd. As far as he could remember, a second ago he was sitting in the public library, in his spot, reading Eiji’s letter with very blurred vision, bleeding heavily from the wound on his stomach. That was painful. The pain was so extreme that it blocked him from understanding words in that letter. However he did not feel any pain now. His body felt normal, or even better than normal, lighter and swifter than in his peak time. He ran a few feet then slowed down. The rye plants opened in front of him and closed seamlessly as he passed, with no sound made by the plants or his own steps. 

He stopped, only then he discovered a figure, not too far away, running away from where he stood. He ran up. The distance between them shortened and he could finally see. It was a child, dark curly hair and dark skin, almost shining under the golden sky. 

“Skip!” Ash cried unbelievably, slowing down in great shock.

The boy turned back. They were close enough that Ash could tell he broke into a big smile, the exact bright and innocent smile as in Ash’s memory. But Skip did not stop, instead he sped up, disappearing in the color of gold. 

Ash ran in full speed in the direction Skip went. To his surprise, after a while he was able to see the end of the rye field. Skip was standing still at the edge, waving to him.

With Skip there were two others. Without a millisecond of thought, Ash heard himself crying out loud, with all the happiness in the whole world: “Shorter! Griffin!”

All three of them were smiling and waving to him. Shorter was wearing his sunglasses, and Griffin was standing. They stood on the edge of the land, all shining from the golden sky in the back. Ash realized it was a cliff.

He slowed down again, and eventually stopped, looking at them with wide eyes.

So this is death. Ash had imagined what hell looked like in countless nights where he lost sleep from haunting nightmares. He had never thought death as a golden rye field, reuniting with his loved ones. He smiled to himself. He made it. He himself had made the decision. He chose his death, not under control by anyone else. 

Does he deserve a beautiful death like this? A thought flashed by, and his heart ached sharply. He thought of the smile, the smile of the whole universe’s warmness and comfort, the Japanese boy’s smile. Eiji would miss him. 

But it had always been impossible to be with him. When Ash was holding the plane ticket, he thought he finally saw hope in a light color beaming through a long dark tunnel, so tender and so tempting, making him want to reach out his palm and touch. But the stab by Lao pulled him to reality. He actually felt grateful to Lao, who pulled Ash soaring in illusion down to the ground, and more importantly, gave him the chance to choose his own death. A murderer could never escape from his own destiny. After killing the first person when he was a child, what was left in his life was only killing others, and eventually, being killed by someone else. Eiji tore a slip on Ash’s world to let light beam in, but Ash had no right, even just for a second, to dream about being in Eiji’s world. A safe and sound life with Eiji was too bright. It would hurt Ash’s eyes. 

Being able to decide to bleed to death, in the only spot that granted Ash some peace in his world, on the other hand, was the best thing he could think of. 

***  
Ash resumed his steps, running towards the edge of the cliff. All three people were waiting for him peacefully. He would be with them forever --

Without warning, he was hit heavily by something, no, someone. He stopped abruptly, a sharp knife stabbed into his stomach. He looked down at the knife with widened eyes, then his sight reached the stabber. Blonde hair, fair skin, jade colored eyes looking straight into his soul, it was Ash Lynx. 

The other Ash Lynx pulled out the knife with a low groan. A faint smile flashed on the corner of his mouth. “Caught you.” He whispered. 

Then the world disappeared. The other Ash, Skip, Shorter, Griffin, the rye and sky, all were engulfed by the malleable darkness that was permeating in every direction.

“Nooooooo!” Ash howled with agony that exploded, but at the same time he kneeled down to the ground. Unbearable pain burst from the wound like a sharp fire alarm with flashing lights. His body went back to the clumsy and almost uncontrollable mess as before when he managed to make it to the library. He tried to raise his head but could not see anything but impenetrable darkness. Tears everywhere. Where, where to go -- 

A pair of soft hands covered and pressed his wound, though not helping with the pain, Ash could feel the hands being gentle but steady. Ash widened his eyes but still could not see anything. Someone was holding him, wrapping arms around his shoulder. 

Ash collapsed against the person’s chest. Don’t go… He cried in his mind. “Stay with me…” He panicked. “At least... just for now...” he murmured, like a snobbing child. A hand was gently patting his back.

“My soul will be with you, forever.”

***  
Pain. Ash lifted up his eyelids that weighed a ton for a little bit. The blood that was previously filling his head seemed to slowly ebb away. His vision was still blurry, but was clear enough for him to recognize the desk in the library. He looked down -- shit, blood had soaked his coat and had been dripping to form a pool on the floor. 

He managed to raise up his head using all his strength. The library was empty, even more spacious than before. It was already dark outside, with lights of the city glimmering through the windows. 

That was indeed a bad dream. Or was that really what death would be like? Then why the hell did he come back now? He gave himself a lifeless wry smile. In the end, he still had no right to choose for himself.

Or what if, deep in his heart, though reluctant to admit, he had a different choice that he wanted to make, so badly that even death could not pull him away? 

Ash reached for his phone in his pocket. Every movement he made worsened the pain. He called the only person that he could think of.

Max Lobo was not answering.

Ash hung up, then called the same number again. The ringing tone sounded loud and desperate in the empty hall.

“Shitty old man --” Ash could not even finish his swear but inhaled. The pain was real. He needed to get out of here. 

***  
He had no memory of how he managed to get out of the library. He was on the street, bending his body while both hands pressing on his bleeding wound. It was snowing, and snow had piled up a thin layer on the sidewalk. Had it started snowing when he got into the library? He could not remember.

He moved awkwardly in the same posture. With each step he moved less than a foot. He had been short of breath. Like a ninety-year-old ancient old fuck. He thought, even with a lifeless smile. Will I have that day? 

He stopped constantly with the excuse of calling Max, but none of the calls were picked up. He had no strength to curse. After stumbling through a hundred or one and half blocks, he landed on his knees and his vision blacked out again…

***  
Ash Lynx woke up. It was too bright that his eyes hurt. He spent some time to realize that he was staring at a very white ceiling. As soon as he gained enough consciousness to realize that he was in a hospital ward, he heard the door cracking open. 

He still had no control over his limbs so he could not respond with any reaction. He screamed but only heard himself making a low, almost funny noise. He smelled medical disinfectant.

“Oh my goodness, he is awake!” He saw a middle aged woman’s face lighting up with surprise. “I should call his family!” She shouted to herself, ran out, closed the door with almost a slam. 

Family? Ash was more than confused. But that was not the most important thing for now. He tried to move his right arm a little bit. It felt so numb. He was furiously battling with his own body. 

The door was opened again, this time rudely. A tall and strong figure walked in. “Ash!” The man cried with happiness.

“Max!” Ash shouted with hoarse voice. Before he realized, Max had gave him a big hug, pinning him in the bed, almost making the right arm that he just managed to move numb again.

“Ash you don’t know how much I have been worried about you!” 

“Hold on--” Ash was almost screaming. Max let Ash free, regaining some calmness. “Guess how long you have been in a coma? Two weeks! It was not even anything major, definitely not as bad as last time. You were just losing too much blood… Look at what you did… Why didn’t you--” 

“Wait!” Ash interrupted Max’s dramatic speech. “How did I get here?”

Max hestatited for a second, but still began to speak: “Sing’s people found you. Sing discovered Lao’s plan not too long after Lao was found missing. But it was - it was still a bit too late… They only found Lao’s body and the knife, apparently you had been stabbed...”

“They kept searching for you for a few hours in that area. When they were about to give up, someone found you two blocks away from the public library. Gosh how did you get that far with that wound…”

“Sing…” Ash sighed. How should he feel right now?

“They saved you.” Max gave him a steady look. “Sent you to the hospital and when I called in, they picked up your phone and told me everything.”

Ash felt his blood suddenly traveled to his head again. “Why the fuck didn’t you answer my calls?!”

Max gave him an apologizing look: “You know, an old man does not always carry his phone around. When I saw your 6 missed calls, I knew something had happened, so I immediately called back…”

Ash had a thousand curses in his throat. But instead of letting them all go, he had something more important to say. “I want to --” 

Max pat his shoulder, then turned back to his bag. He handed Ash an envelope. “Let this be my apology to missing your calls”. 

Ash frowned, and opened the envelope with confusion.

A plane ticket, and a passport. 

Ash looked at Max with wide, shining eyes that had never been greener. His mouth was forever open --

“The flight is in 10 days. Just bought it. To Tokyo, of course. And your new identity --” He opened the passport in Ash’s hands. 

“Aslan -- Lobo???”

Max Lobo broke into a big smile and opened his arms again towards Ash.

“Good luck in Japan, son!”

***  
Ash walked along the linking bridge. When he reached the airport hall, everything was so bright that it almost hurt his eyes. It felt so unreal that he flew out when it was evening, and now when he touched the ground again, it was already noon. 

He reached for his sunglasses hanging on the collar of his shirt. The cool hard metal frame reminded him that it was so real in reality. He put down his hand, decided not to wear them, and sped up his steps. 

Suddenly, something, no, someone hit him heavily. Ash stopped abruptly, so in shock that he thought he was stabbed again. 

But this time instead of a cold hard blade, he felt warm arms circling around his shoulder, pressing gently but steadily. 

“Welcome, Ash!” Eiji said, with a smile that lighted up everything.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by this [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4K7zu1YRxo) and this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BananaFish/comments/a9q05x/what_i_think_about_the_ending_of_banana_fish/) about banana fish.
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/karmangierr) ;D


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